Recap: A Decade in Ministry

There we stood. A face-off. Not even the last place I wanted to be... alone with a xerox printer. "Why am I the one doing this? This machine never works right. I hate printing these bulletins. No one probably even reads them." Some of the PG intrusive thoughts I had on a typical day during the mundane and recurring task of printing the Sunday bulletin. "Is this really what I signed up for?" A common, scratch that, guaranteed misconception when one follows the call into ministry. Many find the door as quick as possible when reality sets in. Some hang in there and start looking elsewhere assuming the problem is where they're at. Me? I proceeded to learn an obscene amount from the infamous copy machine. How did I get there?

In 2014, I began serving alongside my boyfriend > fiance > husband who was the recently hired youth pastor. High-fiving students, playing connect four, and continually being sabotaged in Uno by teenagers is how every Tuesday night began. Then we worshipped, learned from God's Word, and prayed Heaven down on the next generation. It did not get any better than that! We loved it! I began working full time at the church right after our wedding- a dream come true! Or so I thought. (P.S. It was. Keep reading.)

Being youth pastors taught us:

Every young person is one stable adult away from a better future and a better faith.

So, there I am once again printing 400 bulletins and folding by hand; approximately a two-hour job if no one interrupts, no paper jams occur, ink doesn't run out, or if someone didn't need the printer right then. We are talking an all afternoon occasion here folks. As you can see, my disdain only grew with each passing week. More intrusive thoughts came without warning, "This isn't what I want to be doing. This isn't what I signed up for." I tried viewing it as a task to turn my brain off, listen to podcasts or music, but they served only as a bandaid.

The Lord used all those hours and thousands of bulletins to break me and build me.

I. Walls:
I had really high walls up. Asking for help? Nah. Didn't know how. Didn't want to learn. Walls of pride and proving myself. All the while, I was only proving how bad my attitude was- I was ungrateful, unfocused, and unintentionally driving others away due to my high walls. Every week I would have to face that part of me when I could do nothing else but sit there and fold those bulletins. The "yuck" would would rise in my chest almost as soon as I would begin. Prayers to God restating how I wanted to be a part of other things, anything else than sitting here chained to this desk folding these bulletins. "Ask volunteers Haley! Bring someone along!" My walls were so high, sitting there one on one with someone made nails on a chalkboard sound enjoyable. All that would come out of my mouth would have been negative anyway.

"Out of the heart the mouth speaks."

"As a man thinks in his heart so it he."

The walls kept people out and the disdain in. These walls needed to come down. I knew it. Most of me wanted it. But how?

II. Infrastructure:
The basic organization needed to support an enterprise or establishment: of which I had next to none. Building infrastructure requires key components: mapping current systems, defining future requirements, designing a blueprint, selecting reliable vendors, embedding security, and embracing flexibility. As an army of one against the world I needed to do something different if I wanted to see something different. I began to ask God to come into this area in a way I hadn't yet prayed- if He needed to change me, I would let Him. It wasn't but maybe a week that I made the decision to see a christian counselor. The day of my first appointment was also the first week of my new boss as well. Right before we both walked out the door, he said to me, "Haley, my wife and I were wondering if you're okay?" With immediate tears and a shameful smile, I told him I was heading to my first counseling appointment. My internal dialogue continued, "How could he tell after only a couple days? This must be God." He shared sincerely how they care and are here for me. In one day, God brought three outside people into my life to walk me through what would be a year-long season of peeling back layers and layers of disappointment and pain and the big question of, "Who is Haley?" Answering the next loaded question taunted me even more: "How do I not regress back to the bitter bulletin days?"

III. Weapons:
2 Corinthians 10:4-5 and Ephesians 6:10-18 kept my eyes fixed on the battle which really happened. I follow Jesus! Because I follow Jesus, the enemy Satan wants darkness to take me out, and anything brought into the Light makes him mad. One of the main weapons I wielded was writing about God's Word everyday. I'd spend an hour or more writing thoughts and prayers based on what I would read. This practice kept my mind sharp and my heart soft as I pursued wholeness. I really battled with if being in full-time ministry was worth it. Every time I'd get close to quitting (more like running), the Lord would show me He wanted me to stay.

To the bulletins I returned, this time letting God use that time how He wanted. Some days I'd sit there and fold with single moms who had unshakable faith. Their weapons of perseverance became mine. Other days, I'd fold with friends and we'd collaborate on an upcoming women's event. Their weapons of valuing community became mine. Still, some days I'd be alone, and I'd listen to God's Word on audio. This is where I could feel God building me as I began believing Him for things I never had the faith to before. One particular area, was healing. I was diagnosed with Chronic Daily Cluster Headaches which literally took the life right out of me. Months of listening to God's healing scriptures gave me faith to ask until it was given to me. Weapons of power and impact filled my arsenal as I kept showing up, not quitting, and allowing God to break and build me.

Fast forward a couple faithful years, I pass by the xerox copy machine and what do I see? A stack of bulletins being printed by their new overseer. Only this time, they were printed ALREADY FOLDED! My brain had to catch up to my sight! I let out a level-10 "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" As I march to my bosses office he smiles and says, "I know." Puzzled and yet amused, I whisper quietly to God, "Thank you for loving me that much." And I continued down the hall laughing to where I was headed next.

Serving Jesus in full-time ministry for nearly 11 years has made me be certain of one thing: As ministers of the gospel, we are the ministry also. We are being cooked on both sides. We are being built internally as we build externally. God is working in us through the very things we are doing for Him! 

I’m glad I didn’t run for the door, or the hills for that matter. I’m grateful I stayed- God is good at being God and you nor I needn’t worry he’s forgotten us or doesn’t see us. As I look ahead to serving Jesus in new capacities, I don’t fear how God will build me-I pray to not let me miss it.

Now, we serve as a family.

It’s not just about me. (Never was!)